Book Review: Breaking Dawn

*Note, this entire review is filled to the brim with spoilers. It was simply unavoidable. As a result, I'm warning you now.*

During this book, each of the major characters changes into something they probably didn't really imagine themselves becoming. For example, Bella Swan becomes a necrophiliac. Jacob Black becomes a pedophile. Edward Cullen becomes a pimp.

THE BASICS: Our favorite hybrid couple tie the knot within one hundred pages of the book's beginning. Most lame romances end there. But no, "Breaking Dawn" chose to be special and drag on for another 500 pages- none of which included anything even remotely important. It's the equivalent of crashing your car and then being forced to stay in it as it catches on fire and slowly burns you.

This book is ridiculous. Instead of reviewing it intelligently and properly, I'm just going to give a list of some of the more stupid events that occur...

-Bella gets pregnant
-The baby, when born, is named Renesmee
-Jacob falls in love with the baby
-Bella, when finally vamped, has no struggle whatsoever with controlling her thirst for blood
-The baby grows ultra fast, is super smart, has superpowers, is illegally beautiful, and is absolutely perfect in every single fricken way
-The Volturi (the self-proclaimed rulers of Sparkleville, left previously unmentioned because I assumed them mostly unimportant) come to destroy the baby so the Cullens gather up all their glittering friends and neighbors and prepare for battle...
-...a battle which never actually occurs
-Bella's vampire superpower is, of course, the most powerful ability of all - a completely impenetrable psychic shield that she can make grow and shrink at will
-Everybody lives happily ever freaking after

And yes, these events are all completely accurate. I swear, I did not embellish in the least.

THE CHARACTERS: These people continue to get stupider and stupider. Even the redeemable ones were ruined. That's all I can say in decent company.

TECHNICAL STUFF: The book is divided into three books. The first and third are narrated by Bells. The second is narrated by Jacob, which I say was a fine change of pace. He is, at that time, still uncorrupted by his embarrassingly creepy attachment to his ex-girlfriend's daughter, as the baby was not yet born. But even so, his snarky attitude could only help a bad plot so much.

Also, the foreshadowing was terrible. At the beginning, Swan Princess starts having weird dreams about vampire babies and then goes off on a 10-15 page explanation about where she heard about them and where they came from and what was done to destroy them. Talk about subtle.

THE THEME: I... don't actually know... not that I especially want to...

OVERALL: This book was bad. Actually, it was beyond bad. It was completely awful. Don't ever for any reason read it. Or, for that matter, any of it's predecessors. Because this is where they all inevitably lead. It's not worth your time or your brain cells.

GRADE: F

Questions? Comment? Seriously, I want to hear them!