Random Blurb: That New Metroid Game

(In case anyone is concerned, one of my New Year's Resolutions was to actually blog. So yeah.)

As is normal, when my brother got Metroid: Other M for Christmas, I was the only one who actually played it. Same old same old really. What I didn't expect was for it to-

Oh, what was that Adam? I have your permission to put up a picture now?


Much better. Anyway, what I didn't expect was for it to be so story driven. For any of you Metroid veterans out there, you know what I'm talking about. Metroid games have always focused on the action and weaponry- in this one, Samus even has a voice actress. And she inner-monologues... all the time... Which is fine I guess... I mean, she's been silent for the last 30 years or so- it's about time she got her opinions out there.

But to be entirely honest, I almost preferred it when she didn't talk. Because then at least-

Oh, what was that Adam? I have your permission to begin criticizing? You're just too good to me.

At least she could use mutism as an excuse not to stand up for herself.

'Cause I mean SERIOUSLY woman! Aren't you the most feared/respected bounty hunter in the galaxy? Haven't you faced countless alien onslaughts? Haven't you defeated some of the most feared villains in the universe?

And yet you lack the self-respect to stand up to major douche-

Oh, what was that Adam? No, no- I wasn't talking about you. I would never do anything as horrible as that.

I have your permission to begin analysis of positive things? You are a saint.

The story (which is still pretty awesome) begins with our hero, Samus Aran, flying around in her spaceship (Why? Because she can.) when she receives a distress signal from a nearby space station. She decides to investigate and ends up coming across a group of soldiers from the Galactic Federation who also responded to the signal. Turns out, *cue flashback* she used to know some of these guys back when she herself formerly worked for the GF (key words being "used to" and "formerly"). The leader of this mission turns out to be her former commanding officer Adam Malkovich. And let me tell you, they slip right back into those old roles real fast.

Somethin' fishy's going on at the space station, so Samus agrees to stick around and help these poor losers out. But then, they all start being picked off one by one by an unknown traitor.

So yeah, a bit of a mystery going on there.

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... Sorry, I was just waiting for Adam to give me permission to talk about gameplay... Any second now...



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Aw, ok we're good. Thank you Adam.

The gameplay's super fun. The targeting system is different (if any of you nerds out there have played Shadow the Hedgehog, it feels a lot like that. 'Cept better), but it still works. It's third person mostly, with random little bits of first thrown in there. It was kind of weird actually. But whatev. My only guff is that it went from super easy to fetchin' hard way to fast. I mean, here I am just walking along when HOLY CRAP THERE'S A GIANT WORM THING AND IT POPPED OUT OF NOWHERE AND ATE ME!!! And then I died.

What was that Adam? Oh, that's right- I don't have permission to write in all caps. Sorry. Can I do it now? No??

That's my other guff- I felt like in some parts you had to die in order to get a feel for what was going on. Which is kinda' dumb if you ask me.

There were a lot of moments of me yelling at my sister to fire-up the walkthrough and read to me how to beat all the bosses. And I mean a lot of moments. Because there were a lot of bosses. (Just ask her- I think she's emotionally scarred, poor thing.)

So, what am I getting at? All other complaints aside, the game is legitimately fun to play. Just, you know... keep the internet handy...

So... do I have your permission to talk about weapon upgrades Adam? No? That's cool... I'll just wait...

...

Oh, now I do?

I understand why they made weapon upgrades unusable as opposed to being conveniently nonexistant like in other games (Samus can only trip and misplace her plasma beam so many times). But couldn't they have done a better job? Take this actual scene for example:

Samus: Wow, I've died like, five time from drowning in lava. Too bad there isn't any sort of upgrade to help me withstand heat.

Later...

Samus: Wow, I've been shooting these flame-shooting aliens a long time. Too bad there isn't any sort of upgrade to help me withstand heat.

Later...

Samus: Wow, the lava level is rising really fast! I might die if I get caught in it. Too bad there isn't any sort of upgrade to help me withstand heat.

Giant flame-spurting lava monster appears.

Adam: Samus- quick! I'm authorizing use of your super awesome heat resistant suit!

Samus: Oh, Adam- you're my hero!

Shauntel: *facepalm*

I might've paraphrased a bit.

That's where all my problems with the game stem from- Adam "Douchebag" Malkovitch. (That, and Samus freaking out when she sees Ridley, but that's a whole different can of worms.) And the way he turns the galaxy's most feared/respected bounty hunter into a bullied housewife. It's embarrassing.

You can tell the game programmers weren't aiming for this. He's supposed to come off as noble and somewhat parental (Samus, in one of her many inner-monologues, comments on how she viewed him as a father... *cue possible Electra-complex*). I can totally see how that might've happened. But, they failed miserably and he's just a jerk instead.

If this were a movie, it would suck. If there were no dialogue, it would be amazing. I'm torn on my overall opinion as a result. I just think that-

Oh, what was that Adam? I don't have your permission? This is why we're friends Adam- this is why we're friends.*
_________________________________________________________

My siblings later pointed this comic out to me:

Click to enlarge

Credit goes to Brawl in the Family for summing up my point perfectly.

*This is why I didn't cry when you died Adam- this is why I didn't cry.
*sigh* But then we all know how well people stay dead in these sort of games...

Random Blurb: The Sims 2

As you've probably gathered by now, I get bored a lot. I mentioned previously that I've recently come across this thing known as "time", although the more accurate term would be labeled "free time", and, as you've also probably figured out either from previous posts or from the title of this one, I do strange things when I'm bored. Such as play Sims 2.
Aw Sims 2. How I really generally despise thee so. Except sometimes when I enjoy you. It's not a healthy relationship.

Anyway, my sister's got this game about a year ago. I played it for two days, got bored, and never touched it again.

That is, until Christmas, when my sister's got the Pets Expansion.

(That's one thing that kind of bugs me about the game. I mean, you buy the game itself, but it's not actually fun until you starting paying for all the various expansions, which I swear, pretty much cover every subject known to man. You got Sims Nightlife, Sims Pets, Sims "Open for Business", Sims HotDate, Sims University, Sims Season, etc. I swear, the list does not end.)

Anyway, them getting this expansion reminded me that we actually owned the game, and I, being the strange sadist that I am, started thinking. And, as you know, that can be very dangerous. I started wondering about all the horrible, twisted, borderline-illegal things you could potentially do on this game, and decided to give it a nasty whirl. So, I created a family with varying ages, genders, and relationships, and went on my merry way.

Sadly, it wasn't as scandalous as I thought.

You can't do anything illegal (no incest, no adult/child relationships- Hey, don't give me that look. These are fake, computer people K? You would try these things too), and although you can be a professional thief as a career, you can't actually follow them to work, so I don't really know all the details of their jobs. I don't have that expansion pack.

However, you can have gay sims, make your sims have affairs, make your sims have like, 50 different lovers, etc. I'm actually rather impressed with the amount of freedom you do have. Most people based video games (I'm looking at you Harvest Moon, bane of my existence that you are, but that's a post of a different color) generally have a set amount of goals or a place you'll end up or even just a plot in general. Not so for this one. Within the bounds of legality, you're pretty much limitless. Especially if you cheat, which frankly, is the only fun way to play this game.

Also, building houses is actually way entertaining. Seriously, I've built some pretty bombin' things.

So you're probably thinking, "Shauntel, you've really only said good things so far about this game. Doesn't that make it, you know, good?" The answer is yes... and no. My biggest question/concern is "who the heck was this thing meant for"?

Understand, this is something I only play maybe twice a month. Most teenagers would probably play only slightly more, more than likely less if not at all. Adults would have little interest. So is it for kids? No, 'cause this game is kinda naughty. Can it be played innocently? Sure. But will it be? Naw.

So that's really the question of the universe at this point: Why? Why does this game exist? Why do people think it's fun?

Admittedly I don't really know. What I do know is that it does exist and that it is fun.

Sometimes.

Anyway, I gots ta go. Two of my lovely gay sims (they're not "married"- apparently it's referred to as "joined") are in the process of adopting another baby. So yeah.

PS: I like comments. You should leave some. Just so I know you're there.

Random Blurb: Fan Fiction - Part 2

...and three hours had gone by.

I was shocked to say the least. "Have I really," I thought to myself skeptically, "spent three hours of my valuable life reading fan fiction?"

Yes, yes I had.

And it's not like I could tell anybody about it. I mean, you don't tell people that you've been reading fan fics all day.

Random Friend: Hey, Shauntel! What have you been up to lately?

Me: Oh, the usual. Just browsing Fanfiction.net.

Random Friend: *Blank stare*

You might just find your social life falling into Sturgeon's Law.

Anyway, so here I am, having just realized I've wasted three hours on this stupid website. In most situations, I would politely bid farewell and do something useful, like watch The Onion or something. But let me tell you, fan fiction is not most situations. I don't even think is has a situation category. 'Cause you wanna know what I did? I kept reading.

You. can't. stop.

It's physically impossible, unless you're forcefully repelled by some outside source, such as your sister telling you the cat broke his leg or your date's gonna be there in like five minutes and you're still wearing your pajamas or something. Not that I would know from experience or anything.

So you're probably thinking, "Come on Shauntel, three hours? How could you possibly read badly written stories for three hours? And then not stop?" I'll tell you why. Because at this very moment, at 2:26 PM on whatever day I wrote this (you'll never know), there are 14, 847 fics in the Legend of Zelda category.

That's a lot of crap to sift through guys.

Now, most people would be thinking at this point, "Geez, maybe I should be learning something from Shauntel's example..." But for those of you who are slow learners like myself, I've decided to compile a list of a few of the more popular types of fan fics you would encounter if you were to take on such a harrowing journey too. It might save you some time:

Drabbles- A "story" that's less than 1000 words. Occasionally 100. These make up approximately 98.4% of everything you'll find on fanfiction.net, but are usually combined with other "genres" for sanity. They usually consist of some random thought some random character had or will have during some random moment. If it's written in 1st person, you may not even find out the identity of the character, you just have to sort of assume. I often wonder if these aren't just randomly copied and pasted into different story categories. Because frankly, no one would actually know.

Death Fics- These serve pretty much no purpose except to kill off some supposedly beloved character, at least by the author's viewpoint, and watch everyone mope around and cry. Angst angst angst. Also, some "I loved him/her so much but I never knew it until now" will commonly follow, even if the pair is canonically incompatible. If the character isn't as loved as the author assumes, much rejoicing will ensue from the audience.

Crack Fic- A story that could only have been conceived if the author were on crack. Seriously. This is the story about how the Baudelaire orphans totally teamed up with Rorschach and totally took on Hitler, who had kidnapped the Fairly Odd Parents and stolen their magic powers and totally zaps everyone back in time to when there were dinosaurs and then these aliens totally stole their brains and-
Yeah, you get the picture. Like I said before, check out the X-Over section. Its... well it isn't boring.

Romance Fic- Do I really have to explain what this is to you? The title pretty much tells all. Two characters fall in love. And the author explains how. Happily ever after, the end. Usually this follows the canon, meaning the characters were already destined from the start, but shipping wars* can still start.

Slash Fic- Although technically a subset of the previous genre, this type is so popular I simply had to separate it. A slash fic is when two characters of the same gender, 99.9% of the time male, fall in love. Pending the canon, this is usually followed by denial, angst, then a magically happy ending. And anyone who would stand in their way ( previous love interests, parents, there's always someone) are promptly disposed of.

There. I think you're ready. Baby steps first.

So although that doesn't actually conclude my journey, that's the basic gist of it. Sorry to end so quickly but my email just informed me that a new Wicked fanfiction has been added.

Can't. not. click. on. link.

*To ship means to be in full support of a particular romantic pairing within a story universe. A shipping war is when these fans duke it out of the internet and totally bad talk the other one's pairing. Hilarity ensues.

Random Blurb: Fan Fiction - Part 1

(If you're unfamiliar with the term, do watch this video:

http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail188.html

I think it sums it up pretty well.)

But for those of you who do know, I think we can all join together and scream in unison. Let's begin now...



















Keep on going...




















Just let all those pent up feelings out...

























K, you can stop now.

But seriously, shudder inducing. My goodness, the things I do for you people. I mean, here I am, innocently trying to rack out my brains in an attempt to write about something remotely hilarious when the thought pops in: fan fiction. It gets a pretty bad rap right? Maybe something humorous could be found in there.

Also, I admit it, my own curiosity fueled it somewhat too. I mean, it couldn't be that bad, right?

Ugh, my own naivety kills me at times. I mean, just... wow. Just wow.

But okay, lets be fair. Sturgeon's Law, which basically states that 90% of everything is crap, still applies. That means that every so often you can dig through said pile of crap and find the occasional gleaming, and well-received gem that is not pure suckary. There are some fan fictions that are actually (can't believe I'm saying this...) kind... of............. *deep breath* good. There I said it. There were an amazing few that were great and perhaps even better than the original show/book/whatever thing they were based on.

But they were few and far between! My goodness gracious, you would not believe the idiocy that gets "published". I could seriously feel my brain cells slowly melting. The grammar nut inside me now has clinical depression. And I just felt.... dumb.

Anyway, so I, having decided to undertake this hopeless quest, ventured straight into the black heart of all fan fics:

*kindly say the next phrase with an evil, creepy voice*

Fanfiction.net. Muhahaha!

*Shudders* Anyway, there was so much to see! So many genres to peruse, so many stories to read! And I tell you, they have everything. Everything. You want superheros? There's a whole comic book section. Animaniacs? Take a gander under the link titled "Cartoons". Ya want Winnie-the-Pooh teams up with Mulder and Scully and battles against the Wizard of Oz? Do check out the "X-over" section on your way out. It's quite a treat, I assure you.

I headed straight over to the video game section of course, and the section titled "Zelda" almost immediately caught my attention. And once I got there, I had an array of specifications I could make. I could set the rating, length, genre, even characters I wanted to see.

And so, I began. I read, laughed, marveled at the stupidity, and various variations of those things. I took a glance at the clock...

...and three hours had gone by.

*Stay tuned for the rest of the adventure in Part 2*

Random Blurb: Childhood Crushes

Aw young love. It really is rather sweet at times. That doesn't mean I can't still make fun of it.

I was babysitting once for four little girls, aged from 6 months to nine years old. Their obsession with certain male Disney Channel Starz unknown to me, I made the unfortunate mistake of showing them IMDB.com, which is, for those who may not know, a site that has details and pictures for pretty much every celebrity to grace the screen. I was promptly shoved aside as they looked up Joe Jonas, Zac Efron, and others along that same line. They literally, and I'm serious, screamed when they saw them. (Including the baby, but I don't think that had anything to do with translucent, nasally-voiced male pop "singers".)

My point is, I don't get it. Seriously I don't. Maybe I was just some sort of dud who's first real crush came in the 8th grade. Am I the weird one?

The elder of my younger sisters has fallen prey to this phenomena as well, (Hopefully she isn't reading this right now...) albeit not with Disney Starz, thank goodness. Naw, she focuses on real boys.

(I won't elaborate further on that subject. I don't want to wish certain death upon myself just yet.)

I suppose I am being somewhat hypocritical. I guess I did have somewhat of a celebrity "crush" at about age four. However, for me, a "crush", if that's what is was, consisted of me thinking not that the individual was "cute" but "cool". I didn't want to meet him, I wanted to be him. Emulate him.

Looking back at my own naivety, I now see the irony of this philosophy...



Look, I was FOUR! I didn't understand the disturbingly lurid overtones! I just thought he had a cool costume!

And, if I might retain some dignity by the end of this post, I hold that John Partridge still sings better than Joe Jonas.

So there.

Random Blurb: Opinions

So have you ever noticed that there are some subjects that, no matter whom you speak to, people always have an opinion on it? And it's rarely an indifferent opinion, they either love it or hate it. I've compiled a short list of a few I notice in my everyday life...

1. President Obama

Might as well start with the elephant in the room. Overall, this is a rather touchy one simply because most every person I've spoken to either thinks he's the savior of our country who will bring upon a new era of peace and prosperity, or thinks he's some sort of anti-christ who will destroy our country/world. Personally I think either philosophy is ridiculous but whatever. I often have a funny feeling that I'm one of the few people in the world who actually is indifferent. And for me to not have an opinion on something- that's kind of a big deal.

2. Twilight

Aw good ol' Twilight. We've had many a laugh, it and me. Although that generally consisted of me laughing at it as it yelled things like OMG EDWARD IS SOOOOOO HAWTT!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!11111

Yeah, you get the picture. Anyway, there are lovers, and then there are Twilighters, the ones who spout out quotes such as "You're exactly my brand of heroin" that in a normal society would get them arrested.. And on the opposite side, there are those who love to flame Twilight Lexicon's chatroom with pro-Harry Potter propaganda. It's a seemingly never ending war that simply can never be won.

3. Cats the musical

There are, quite simply, two kinds of people in the world. Those who love Cats, and those who find it just too odd. (There's also a lesser mentioned third party, those who haven't heard about it, but we'll skip them for arguments sake.) This is how a typical conversation between a pro and an anti might go...

Pro: I love Cats the musical!
Anti: But it's weird...
Pro: The music is superb and unique!
Anti: But it's weird...
Pro: The dancing is so talented!
Anti: But it's weird...
Pro: The story is so deep!
Anti: But it's weird...
Pro: The costumes are so cool!
Anti: But it's weird...
Pro: The Rum Tum Tugger is so hot!
Anti: But it's weird...

Need I say more?

4. PETA

... ...I'm not even going to elaborate on this one...

5. Violent Video Games

To the animal rights groups who said Super Mario Brothers abused turtles, to the women's rights groups who said Grand Theft Auto was mean to hookers, such a controvery should have been long seen coming. I mean, people will complain about anything if it gives them 5 minutes on TV and free pizza.

There are those who say it's good for three years olds to shoot old ladies on the street as they push A several times in an attempt to steal her purse, and then there's those who claim that if you even consider smacking a pixelated hungry tiger, you will undoubtedly become a serial killer. Undoubtedly.


So is there a point to all this? I think it's that the Rum Tum Tugger really is kind of hot...

But maybe that's just me.